Jealousy in relationships is a common issue. Maybe you are the jealous partner or one who feels attacked by your partner’s jealousy; Wherever you’re coming from, I want to provide you some perspective on the feeling of jealousy, when it’s problematic, and what can be done on both sides.

Is jealousy healthy?

Jealousy is a normal human emotion, so it’s okay to have this feeling. What you might want to consider in answering whether the jealousy you or your spouse is experiencing is healthy is:

• What is the intensity of fear that accompanies jealousy?

If the intense feeling of fear you have turns into control of your partner, then that is unhealthy. Jealousy does not excuse controlling behaviours or abuse.

Problematic jealousy

• Intense feelings of fear of loss

• Overwhelmed by insecurities

& Especially problematic when it looks like this:

• Stonewalling: Refusing to engage in productive conversation with your spouse at all; You are preventing repair or resolution

• Control over who the spouse talks to or what they do

• Following or stalking them

• Assumptions and paranoia over spouse’s behaviour

• Monitoring spouse’s phone and social media

• Needing to have access to them at all times

• Feeling ownership over your spouse

Now, jealousy especially gets intensified when the connection in the relationship is not strong or has been severed in some way. This might be when there’s been infidelity, the relationship is new, or you've gone through a life transition like having a baby.

This is because we feel less secure. The risk of losing our spouse in times of disconnection is real. It makes sense. By learning to maintain or develop secure connection, we can help lessen those fear responses from jealousy.

Own it.

• Your fears and insecurities are about you; they are your feelings. Now, they can be triggered by our partner’s behaviour, but accusations are not helpful. Try: “I felt jealous when this happened. I’d like to talk about it.”

Self-soothe.

• Sometimes we need to be able to calm ourselves and cope on our own with difficult feelings. In healthy relationships, we should also be able to turn to our spouse to help soothe us. This might look like asking for a reminder or validation from your spouse that you all are good, loved, or important

Respect boundaries.

• If you don’t understand why they prefer things a certain way, ask. Try to understand why that boundary is important to them.

Long-term changes.

• Work on those insecurities. Now, everyone has insecurities, but are there certain insecurities that are disruptive to your life.

• Work on freely expressing jealousy or insecurity to your spouse, while also listening to theirs and providing a safe place for them to go to.

• Have conversations with your spouse about maintaining connection. What does this look like? What causes disconnection? Find out how to strengthen the bond.

Understand & Reassure

• Try to see where they are coming from. I asked your spouse who is jealous to seek validation from you. Now, this is your cue to provide. This might be all they need to feel better: “I can see how you feel that way. I love you. You are important to me.”

Support

• Importantly, if you feel burdened by their insecurities that are from past relationships for example, don’t write it off as, “that's your problem!” We can be helpful to our spouse in giving reassurance and empathy in times when they feel unsafe, just as they should for you.

Overall, what I wanted to identify for you is: Seeing jealousy as a normal reaction that we can soothe by remaining connected to one another. This looks like giving and receiving love, empathy, and patience. Then also considering when jealousy looks like control and recognising that you can only do your piece in creating a healthy relational pattern when conflict arises. I hope this helps.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.