Feeling bad about yourself consistently is otherwise known as low self-esteem. If you have an overall negative view about yourself, who you are, and what your value is, it can lead to problems with your mental health, relationships, or work. You want to be able to show up in the world without feeling apologetic about it, like you have a place here too. I’ve got good news, everyone has and deserves a place, but there are experiences that have caused us to question this and it’s hard to think otherwise when it’s how you’ve always felt. Here are ways to start working on this:

You later discover that they had a small child in the car with a medical emergency. They were very focused on getting to the hospital as fast as they could. Knowing this, you might have a different feeling that leads to a different thought about the situation. Knowing when we don’t have all the information or when our conclusions are actually interpretations is important.

Try Generating Other Possible Explanations

This may sound harsh: It’s not all about you. But this is a good thing! The best lesson we can learn is we are special, unique individuals who have so much to add to this world, yet we are also not special at all and the world doesn’t revolve around us. Find that balance. When we feel down and not good about ourselves we can do this thing where we make ourselves the cause of every interaction or situation that doesn’t happen the way we hoped. Get more info. Look at all sides and points of views. Try not to jump to conclusions. Practice generating as many possible explanations for something that made you feel bad about yourself:

My partner commented on how much weight I’ve gained.

You:

• They’re right.

• I’m not loveable.

Other possibilities:

• Your partner doesn’t know how to love.

• They are projecting their own insecurities about their body onto you.

• They try to make you feel bad because they feel bad.

• They hold twisted views of how bodies are “supposed” look because they grew up in a fat-phobic society.

• Your body is fine and they are not the right person for you.

There are so many possibilities. When we start to stop and question our thoughts, feelings, and conclusions, it can lead us to not feeling so carried away, like we can have better control over how we feel.

Problem-solving

Is there something particular that is causing you to feel bad about yourself? For example: 

• You’re working for an organization that is practicing actions that don’t align with your values. You value kindness and transparency, and you’ve been in situations where you went along with their unethical ways of doing things.

• You’ve realized your drinking is no longer in your control. This has led you to doing things that’s characteristically not you, like stealing and lying to your spouse. 

• You are in a romantic relationship and the other person negatively comments on your appearance. You’ve asked them not to, and they keep doing it. 

There are many ways that our actions or actions of others can cause us to feel bad about ourselves. You’ve checked the facts and your feelings are justified. Is there a way you can start making steps towards different actions, depending on what you’re dealing with? Can you make or influence the situation to be better? Is it best to leave the situation?

Observe Your Thoughts & Feelings

Mindfulness exercises have become more popular in the mainstream for good reason. It’s a simple idea to practice that can have a large impact on how we interact with our thoughts. 

This exercise will get you started on getting more aware by observing and noticing.

This is an exercise to have you become aware of what your thoughts are saying and gaining control over letting them go. When we understand that thoughts are not facts, that helps, but we can still get fixated. You are not tied to them. Practice that.

Examine Your Thoughts

If you check the facts and can objectively say I’m not a bad person, I have a lot going on for me, or your friends and family are able to say “you’re great, what are you talking about?” then there’s some stuff to unpack. This usually means there’s a deeper wound. There's some deeper voice that has its claws in it that's telling you things that just aren’t true. When it comes up you try to combat it, but it’s tough. Going to talk to a professional counsellor or therapist is my first suggestion. Otherwise, start examining your thoughts and asking yourself some questions.

In practising the mindfulness exercise, what came up for you? Based on our early and most impactful experiences, we develop beliefs about the world and ourselves that can influence our self-esteem. When becoming aware of our thoughts we may start to see patterns that can lead us to better understand these beliefs. Those beliefs influence our interpretations, feelings, and thoughts, and can make us feel bad about ourselves. Examples:

“I have no control”

Have you had experiences where you were left to fend for yourself? When you reached out for support or help early in your life, did you have people who responded? We can go to helplessness as a response to old experiences where we did not have the means to change our situation (like childhood). That may not be true for our present situation as adults who have greater resources. 

Also, think about how some thoughts are serving you. Do they have a purpose? Yes, I know, why would I WANT bad thoughts about myself? Well, it’s more that after we become aware of certain thoughts and beliefs, we maintain them because believing differently requires us to sit in fear. For example:

“I can never do anything right” = Are you stopping yourself from trying new things or pursuing your passion because failure is unbearable?

“No one likes me” = Is this belief a protector against close relationships that would not feel safe?

“I have no control” = Could maintaining this belief feel safe because responsibility and taking reigns on our life feels burdensome and scary?

Take Action

I am a big believer in understanding ourselves and examining thoughts and feelings. This can be huge for those of those who avoid and ignore, but want to feel better. There’s this other part though that I think is critical to improve how we feel about ourselves. That part is having real life experiences. Taking action on participating in life even though you’re scared. Don’t wait until you’ve solved the puzzle of your negative thoughts and beliefs. Move your feet when your brain is saying hide under the covers. (And yes there are always exceptions to this, so take inventory on your symptoms). Try (while practising letting those nagging thoughts get washed away. See: Observe Your Thoughts & Feelings above):

For those who struggle with feeling bad about themselves (or self-esteem), you are doing the best you can in this moment. Try on some of the suggestions in the article to see if they fit. We are all a work in progress. Take one step at a time in the direction you want to go.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.

References

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT (R) Skills Training Manual, second edition (2nd ed.). Guilford Publications.