Here is something you may not know:

Most men I see coming to therapy are coming because of their relationships.

They want to be better partners, husbands, or fathers. The people that love them are encouraging them to get support through therapy. This says something to me: The men’s relationships are important to them, even critical to their lives. Something's getting in the way though. As a therapist who specialises in therapy for men, I’ll show you a good place to start:

We more often see women as striving for relationships, especially romantic partnerships, because it is viewed as a measure of success. Now, we could talk about whether this is harmful, but what I really want to highlight here is that it may not come as natural to men to prioritise relational health and connection, as well as having had practice to maintain it. That is why we are here though!

Be curious about how they are managing life, like work, kids or other relationships.

“How was your day?”

“What was that like?”

“Are you managing okay?”

REALLY listen and understand your spouse.

Repeat back to them; Reflect: “What I heard you say is…”

Don’t give advice, unless that is what they are looking for.

Create opportunities to have quality time.

Can you make it so they are not occupied with other things? ex. babysitter, offer to complete a task that’s nagging them in back of their brain.

Get creative in carving out pockets of time, even small ones.

Don’t be afraid to schedule for quality time or intimacy.

Ask how your wife / husband / spouse receives love.

Put it in your own words: “What makes you feel the most loved?”

Validation?

Affection?

Quality Time?

It is also how you prevent yourselves from living a life of “walking on eggshells!”

Here is where husbands might go wrong when learning to be more open and vulnerable, and talk about feelings, they:

1. Hold feelings in until they can’t and unleash them on their partner then are confused when their partner receives it poorly.

2. Rely on their spouse to provide insight into their emotional experience while also regulating their emotions.

Basically, this is leaning too heavily on your spouse to do your emotional labour. This is what I call a husband making their spouse their therapist.

Letting your emotions build and build inside you, then have them explode out of you and relaying them to your wife or spouse is not managing your emotions. Will we all need to vent in our marriage sometimes? Sure. This is different though.

What I see often is men not regulating their own emotions on the regular. This is what causes the build up, then the uncontrollable floodgates of feelings.

What also might happen, even if you are not aware of it, expect your wife or spouse to sift through your feelings and make sense of it. That job is not for them though.

Learn to communicate

• Connect what you’ve learned about regulating emotions and your inner experience, and articulate it. 

• Your spouse wants to know what is going on with you, but they want you to have the skills to manage, so that emotional labour isn’t all on their shoulders.

Learning to regulate your emotions, about yourself, and how to communicate is a challenge if you have always struggled with it.

Unfortunately, so many men don’t get the emotional education that they need to care for themselves and relate in a healthy way to their wife or spouse.

This is because there are still gendered expectations that many men grew up with, like getting emotional means you are weak, be strong, keep sad feelings to yourself, or just don’t be affected.

This means, you may need help learning this stuff, which also means being open to new experiences, like:

• Psychotherapy /Counselling

• Support groups for men

• Self-help books

Tips for repair in a marriage:

• Make sure you give them space to calm down (& husbands: take your time too!)

  Neither of you are helpful if you are still riled up and heated. Let it simmer before you decide how to move forward.

• Get comfortable with admitting your part.

  Take responsibility. There is always a part we have played, even if it’s: “I’m sorry raised my voice” or “I should have let you say your part without interrupting”.

• Try to hear them out.

  This means letting your wife or spouse talk about their experience, even if you have issue with it.

  Understand and be curious; Put yourself in their shoes.

• Find a solution (if needed).

  Keeping in mind what is best for us, and not what is best for “me”.

  Thinking about solutions and arguments as “we are in this together” or “your problem is my problem” can be helpful to get us out of those defensive stances we take when upset.

• Repair isn’t always a long drawn out talk.

  Sometimes repair is simply a husband hugging their spouse or making them a cup of coffee or tea; a sign of affection. You both get the message that it got too heated and let's move on.

Something I learned from a company called Fair Play Life was that partners who take on the invisible work will ask for help, but end up doing some of the labour regardless.

For example, you might ask your wife or spouse: “Hey maybe I can take the grocery shopping off your plate this week?” and you’ll think “great, I’m helping them out by taking the grocery task off their list”. Yes you are, BUT what we don’t see are the tasks that went along with this responsibility, like:

• Making and maintaining the grocery list

• Inventorying the fridge for what needs to be removed, used or about the expire

• Anticipating what will be needed, rather than waiting for something to be emptied

• Knowing what the kids need for lunches

• Planning what is needed for upcoming meals

• Putting all the groceries away

This is one example of many. Consider the categories of researching and deciding what the kids are doing for winter and summer breaks, communicating with school and daycare, making social plans with those other couple friends, keeping track of the calendar (including birthdays and special events), making appointments, grooming and wardrobe needs (who’s checking we all have shampoo!?) and auto maintenance.

Now, these may be tasks that are dispersed among you already, but too often we are not sitting down and talking about it. As a husband, do you know if your wife or spouse is managing their load okay?

Let’s considering each other’s capacity for responsibilities and task completion, while also making sure our spouse gets to enjoying their life too. How long has it been since they tried out a new hobby (you know, that thing that has been on their list for years but can never find the time)?

If you are not sure about the reality of unpaid invisible labour in your marriage, there is a fantastic exercise a husband can bring to their spouse’s attention. This is not an advertisement, it is simply a tool I have used personally and recommend to other husbands, wives, and relationships:

The Cards | Fair Play Life. Check it out.

Try it. I swear your wife or spouse will be so happy to see you are showing attention to the parts of your marriage that can often go unattended to: really talking about how you organise your life and relationship and whether it works for the both of you.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.