How do you help someone with anger issues?
Anger is a perfectly normal emotion. We all feel anger at one time or another. What you’ve noticed though, is someone close to you, whether your spouse, friend, or family member, has anger management issues.
What we usually define as anger management issues is either:
Anger is intense and the strength of the anger does not fit the situation that triggered it.
Response to anger is problematic. The behaviour that happens after anger is triggered is harmful. This can look like:
Aggressiveness: Yelling, intimidating, throwing things, physical harm / assault etc.
Passive-aggression: Sulking, sarcasm, stonewalling, sabotaging etc.
Self-directed harm: Isolation, deprivation of basic needs, self-assault, abusive self-talk
Important to note: This guide is not applicable to domestic violence situations. So if you experience physical or sexual violence, emotional or verbal abuse, psychological intimidation, spiritual abuse, financial abuse, harrassment and stalking, or cyber violence in your relationship, this advice will not be applicable. Please visit Domestic violence | ontario.ca for more information.
Filtering
Filtering what you have to say is normal in relationships because honesty usually needs a filter. However, unhealthy filtering is when you eliminate your needs and boundaries to cater to their anger that could come out at any minute.
The conversations become about tiptoeing around things rather than constructive communication.
Their anger management issue makes this feel totally unfair.
How to help someone with anger issues
Your role is not to fix the other person. Their anger management issues are for them to overcome. What you can do as a spouse or loved one though, is support.
Encourage them to seek outside support
You are definitely not their therapist. You cannot figure out everything that’s going on inside them on their behalf. That is above you pay-grade as a spouse or loved one AND it’s just not something you can have all fall on you. It’s too much.
There are wonderful resources out there for anger management issues, like psychotherapy and counselling services, or support groups for others who struggle with anger.
Alternatively, if they are not ready to see someone face-to-face, there are resources like books and blogs (like this one) that can get them started on understanding themselves and their anger management issues. Check google, amazon, and your local library or bookstore.
Here are books I have used and recommend:
Master Your Emotions: A practical guide to overcome negativity and better manage your feeling.
Anger Management Workbook for Men: Take control of your anger and master your emotions.
Accessible
Are you being open and attentive? Can you put aside your own defensiveness to understand? Remove that wall. Can they turn to you?
Responsiveness
Are you tuned in emotionally? Do you know their signals, needs, or fears? Can you know when they need comfort, rather than logic?
Engaged
Can they feel that you are “in this” with them, trust, even if you’re not in the same room? Being engaged is about being emotionally present. It’s having them feel they are valued and matter to you. This reminds them they are not alone.
A.R.E. is a concept originating from Attachment Theory (John Bowlby) and utilised in ‘Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT)’ developed by Susan M. Johnson.
Meet emotion with emotion
Our instinct with someone with anger management issues is to try to help them fix whatever made them angry through problem-solving.
For example, an angry someone says,
“That’s not what I asked you to buy, I asked you to buy X!”
What’s more effective for anger management?
“How about we do this…”; “We will make due by…”; “We’ll grab that next time”
“I can see you’re upset about that ingredient I missed. I’m so sorry, I can see how that’s disappointing”; “I get it, it’s disappointing. You were looking forward to cooking that meal with all the ingredients”.
The second option is what I call meeting emotion with emotion.
You are acknowledging that their feelings are valid and make sense.
Even if you disagree with how they proceeded (using a harsh tone or judgemental attitude), putting yourself in their shoes and understanding the motivation behind the anger can be helpful.
Once the angry someone feels understood, they are more likely to calm and take those great problem-solving suggestions.
Lastly, the angry someone may say “no, that’s not why I’m upset”, because we are not mind-readers and will get it wrong sometimes when trying to understand the motivation for their anger. If that’s the case, you might try “Tell me what I’m missing. I want to hear you.” Genuine curiosity can go a long way to bringing down someone’s guard who is angry.
Check out this blog post: Why ‘never go to bed angry’ is bad relationship advice.
Spoiler alert: my advice is to definitely go to bed angry because when anger is too intense it can become unhelpful. You can’t communicate effectively or think as clearly as you normally would. So consider disengaging, meaning leaving the situation, as a perfectly healthy response to your spouse or loved ones anger management issues.
Come back when you’ve all had a chance to calm down and think things through.
You can say “I’m going to step away and we can talk about this later” or don't say anything if you think it'll be unhelpful to engage at all.
SO…
What I can give and what can I tolerate?
Where am I flexible on this and where am I not?
For example,
As a new mom, my capacity for others was small. Engaging in others' emotional outbursts outside of my children was not an option for me.
My relationships needed to be supportive ones, and I couldn’t tune into other’s needs the same way at that time in my life.
My boundaries shifted in many ways at that time.
My boundaries looked different then.
Final thoughts on helping someone with anger issues
It is so hard to live with someone with anger issues. You love them and want to be with them in a way that feels comfortable. This post is to help you understand and do what you can. Remember though, you can only do your part to support and the rest is on them.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.