How do I become a better father than my father?
Firstly, wanting to know the answer to ‘How do I become a better father than my father’ shows an awareness of an issue. This is not a small thing. Think of the dads you’ve met that turn out exactly like their father who they complain about. These same fathers are not aware how they’re repeating the same patterns. You're here reading this, so you’re already a step ahead in breaking the cycle of parenting that did not work for you. You want to do fatherhood differently.
I’m keeping in mind too with this article that wanting to be a better father than your father may not mean you don’t like your father or even think your dad was a bad dad. On the other hand, there may be men reading that absolutely know their dad was not a good father and possibly not a great guy. So be aware the experiences vary and not all examples will fit.
So, for you as a father wanting to do fatherhood differently, you could have experienced your own version of this. You may even see the pattern in the generations of your family. The first step is being aware of it.
Here is an example response:
How would you know he was that father?
What would you notice?
That he was there. I got up in the morning and he was present. He had helped my mom with breakfast.
What would be different?
He wasn’t just physically present, his mind was there too. He sat with me and my siblings, talked to us, and actually gave a shit about what we were saying.
What else?
He was nice to my Mom. He respected and appreciated her.
What would you see?
My mom is at ease, like she can be herself. She’s not tensely waiting for his request or reply to decide what to do next. She seems happy. My siblings too. It’s like everyone can enjoy each other’s company.
What would you hear?
Talking, but the good kind. Like one person is listening and another person is sharing without filtering themselves. My dad is asking questions and responding like what I have to say is important.
What would you feel?
Relaxed. At ease. Joyful. Close to him. Important. Like I belong. Like I don’t need to escape.
What would he be doing differently?
Showing us we all mean something. We’re not just planets in his orbit.
How would you respond?
I could say things out loud to him, how I feel, what I need, rather than just figuring out how to do it myself. I could go to school without feeling heavy, like I could just focus on what I was doing, being with my friends.
Are you taking care of yourself? Ex. Sleeping, eating, balance of work/play, watching how much you drink/use substances. Being able to manage your emotions effectively is impacted by how you feel physically.
Have you read any books about the subject? Topics like: Ways to curb anger, finding calm
Join a support group ex. For other dads, anger management
Go to therapy. This provides individualised support for improving behaviours you’re not wanting to repeat. Therapy can help you see your blindspots: what are you not seeing?
Have patience & Keep trying
Important to know that in improving how you are as a father, like any self-improvement endeavour, is a journey, not a destination. You will surely repeat some behaviours, and what you need to do is get back on the horse. Repair with your child, apologise, and take action to do better. This means working on this behaviour, not just hoping you don’t do it next time.
Remember these conversations as their father may not be perfectly comfortable, especially if they feel they may upset you. It’s important to set the stage if you can. Saying something like, “You can be honest with me and I will not get upset, I just want to better understand”. Also, try to pick a time when they are not emotionally drained already ex. Long day of activities, sick.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.