Infidelity can rock a relationship, even end one. So what happens when you are trying to fix things with your spouse after your infidelity, but you can’t stop feeling guilty? The guilt is haunting you. The guilt is getting in the way of repairing your relationship or marriage. As a therapist for men and couples, I need you to hear this:

Many people who have turned away from their relationship go through a rollercoaster of emotions that also need attention. Along with guilt for hurting your partner you may be experiencing:

• Confusion over how you let it get that far

• Embarrassed because you never thought you would be that person

• Inferior, especially if your spouse had been a good partner

• Angry at yourself at betraying your values

• Bitterness or indignation knowing there were issues in your relationship that now feel forgotten

• Grief of what the relationship used to be

• Fear you will never be able to repair what was lost

No one can hold all these emotions and thoughts inside while being the healthy support your spouse needs to recover from the betrayal. 

Of course, getting support to work through these feelings is important, but your spouse is not the person to lean on in this scenario. Consider trying therapy or counselling, talking with a friend, or joining a support group.

Denying:

• It was only this many times

• It meant nothing

• If it happened to me I would be over it by now

Blaming:

• I wouldn’t have done it if they hadn’t _________.

• I’ve been honest since the affair, yet they still aren’t willing to trust me.

Now, you might not relate to all of these. These are just examples of some ways people respond to their guilt. Defences are a way to protect yourself and make yourself feel better, which makes sense.

And even if some of these have some truth, for example you know someone who betrayed their spouse way worse than you did, highlighting this information is unhelpful and keeps you stuck.

Take responsibility for the infidelity, even if it is just within yourself.

This means there are some things your spouse doesn’t want to know or have details about, but you need to be 100% honest with yourself without adding in the defences.

For example,

“I f*ed up and feel so guilty for how I hurt my wife, but it was purely physical so it really meant nothing”.

Uh uh. Try it again:

“I f*ed up and feel so guilty for how I hurt my wife.” Period.

How we move on from any difficult emotion, like guilt after an infidelity, is first to acknowledge it and rid yourself of those defences, like minimization, denial, and blaming.

Accept what happened fully.

Remember: Acceptance is not “I like what happened” it is, “This is what happened.”

You are still trying.

You didn't give up on the relationship and neither did they. So don’t be a saboteur. Repair after infidelity is not an overnight thing. It’s incremental and requires effort over time. Keep going.

You deserve compassion.

Know that infidelity happens for many reasons, with the less common being intention to harm.

Practise balancing:

Taking responsibility and feeling the guilt

WITH

Self-compassion and reflection

Both sides of the coin are important in recovering from guilt of infidelity.

Tolerating your spouse’s pain

One of the things that makes the guilt feel never ending is because you are also having it triggered whenever your spouse intentionally or unintentionally brings up the infidelity.

Now the big questions are, how do you tolerate your spouse’s pain without…

• Spiralling into intense guilt and self-hatred

• Making it about you

• Stopping yourself from becoming detached and losing compassion

Their criticism is a veil for their fears. They want to know:

“Are you still here with me or will you turn away?” 

So instead of attending and responding to the criticism, try respond to their fears with:

• Empathy - “I can’t imagine the pain you’re in.”

• Validation - “You are still fighting for this, thank you.”

• Reassurance - “I’m with you.”

Sometimes having a different conversation with your spouse, like the one above, can give hope and help turn the volume and pain metre down on those guilt and self-hatred type feelings.

Know your tolerance.

You can step away from conversations so you don't make things worse. That is a totally valid option. Sometimes we are too far deep in our difficult feelings and spiralling thoughts that we KNOW we are going to say something we regret or are not able to comfort.

Try saying: “I want to hear you out, but I need to go get some air so I can calm down. I will be back.”

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.